A hard day – Kind of

An example of how a “rough day” could end up either way.
By Shiela Reed

I didn’t realize just how restricted I was today. Mentally, emotionally, physically – which of course blocks much hope for an opportunity for an expansive spiritual or etheric experience.

As the end of my work day came to a close and I finally released myself of its grip. I went for a much needed brisk walk where I really felt the physical restriction in my body and the seize on my mental and emotional being. As my body felt the ache of just walking my mind started to let go and free flowing thoughts came back to me. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve ever felt all of this. But there was a kind of blazing hot level of awareness that came in and I KNEW it was my inner me saying “what the F happened today?!” This level of restriction is so destructive and I realized clearly once again that I CHOSE IT! Yes again it’s not a super new concept or first time feeling for me over the years, but I am ALWAYS amazed at the clarity and “brightness” of this awareness and conversation.

I wasn’t mad or irritated nor did I turn away from what I was witnessing and experiencing, instead I felt this kind of new sense of “neutral acceptance” but even that doesn’t fully explain how it felt. I truly felt it all – “let go”. It didn’t matter the why, or that is was done, but that I didn’t want it now. I could see and feel deeply that at this moment I felt strong and confident and I had a say so! All at this same time there was a flood of past along with this current time of how I have exerted SO MUCH energy trying to “live up to other standards”. So much so, that I have a really hard time defining what Shiela really wants or needs.

It’s a REAL struggle for an empath and energetically sensitive. Where and how do I fit when I have such a hard time trying to NOT always look at what makes others happy or how by me being or doing a certain way, THEY might be pleased… yes yes it’s part of an ego issue.. it’s been a regular work in progress for me and today as another layer got ripped off, I noticed it actually kinda doesn’t even sting as bad anymore.
I know it’s me. I know I can say, do, and be different. I still am working on what that truly looks like. In the mean time, I’m ok and I’m enough, just where and how I am.

To share another moment of beauty and one where I would have possibly missed the totality of the connection to the full circle of the moment…

As I walked, I went past a local skilled nursing facility. I am lost in my thought while releasing the above mentioned “stuff”.. processing my day, thinking how hard today was, but equally how fortunate I am, and I look up at one of the windows and see a little old lady standing there looking out. I have on a bright orange sweatshirt so I know she sees me and I start to waving as big as I can and smiling as big as possible. She waves back and my heart just warmed…. then, I started to sob. I felt how this made her day, the simpleness of seeing a person outside who smiled and waved. I felt both her happiness and a sadness, then I felt a message from her – “be grateful child, be grateful you are there and not here. Enjoy that beautiful walk outside, embrace the beauty around you and especially YOU’RE OWN UNIQUE BEAUTY. Don’t be afraid to share that and let your light shine”.

The tears flowed as I walked until I had to just sit with that for a bit. I sat and took at my surroundings. I let that all sink in. Under the circumstances with the restrictions at this time, I knew what she meant. Then a man in a small truck pulled up, he asked if I had heard if anyone was sick in here yet. I said I did not know since I do not work here, but I know this has to be hard on them. He said his mom was here (yes, you too thought it was going to be the same lady right?! Lol) – She actually was in a different hall and he told me how he comes each day and brings his daughters dog to show her as they go by and they talk on the phone. He said she tells him how she feels like she is “in jail”. He can’t even bring her food she likes anymore and some of the folks don’t have a window. They are not able to dine together so they are alone in their rooms.
I shared that I work in child welfare and while the restriction is hard, it obviously is meant to try and keep folks in facilities like this, where they are in close proximity- from getting sick. Yet I SO understand the hard effect this has on these folks here.
He said, “oh you’re a counselor, my daughter is too, but she is in Denver at a place hiring people”… it is hard and we agreed we sure wish there could be visitors. A car came up behind him so he said good bye and went on…

I sat and cried a bit more and then started to walk back home. In the front of the home I had a feeling, one that made me wish I could go in and volunteer time to visit with them. I decided to hold that in my heart and see what grows from it in the future… when we are allowed social contact again.

There truly is beauty in every moment if we can just let go of all of our restrictions and “expectations”. I can’t say this will miraculously make tomorrow better. In actually, I know by itself, it won’t. It can’t. It doesn’t work like that. It’s truly minute by minute choices that grow our days. They are never the same, because we are in just enough of a different space today than yesterday.

So while I hope to not forget “yesterday” – tomorrow I have to remember to make the choices that create the day I really want to see…
This was a good “lesson” kind of day and not something I’d trade. Just hopefully “tweak” a little tomorrow.

What a blessing to allow my true sensitivity to come out today.
Thank you – much love

Shiela