The Grace I’ve been Given for my AA “birthday”
By Shiela Reed
The grace I’ve been given started with a choice I made. Each and every time it’s been about me relinquishing my pride just enough to allow for a change that has healed me a little more than the day before.
Sometimes these have been very obvious pivotal moments that created a very different path. Other times it’s been very subtle.
During times of deep reflection and contemplation I become very aware of the blessing of Grace and am reminded that I am to be grateful for these opportunities to grow, even when they have tested me to what I think are my limits and I wonder why…This is my truth from when I turned to AA 14 years ago. As one of the pivotal BIG moments that changed the trajectory of my life. That choice was a stepping stone to multiple others and the things I’ve been open to learn about myself simply wouldn’t have been able to take hold without that one decision.
There’s no doubt I was a “hot mess”. Even if most people didn’t even see it that way. It wasn’t as “obvious” on the outside. There were binges enough but not exactly what many people would “add up” to being “a problem”. Sure, later, it may have made sense as an “oh yeah, I could see that” – but a small few really could see…
I was broken inside – but not unmendable. My “link” to my soul self had big gaps and while I saw and knew it was there, the distance between that and what my mind was seeing as “reality” – felt like the Grand Cannon. So I suffered silently and alone. Bouncing back and forth across this “canyon”. Touching base with my true self quietly yet not being able to fully connect it with a “true” living life. This kept me “unwell” and separate. Separate from Source and struggling to have a true connection with myself and others. When I was able to admit the damage and totality of what was being affected INSIDE ME… THAT was when it changed.I barely remember or recognize that life anymore. I think fondly of the times and “fun” and less of the pain since working through all that years ago, but I stay forever aware of the underlying components that create room for backsliding and relapses – of spirit and intention- that could negatively affect my inner integrity and ultimately have the potential to lead me to detrimental choices and behaviors.
My journey of self reflection and personal growth is a real matter of true “life or death” for me. No it isn’t always perfect, nor will it ever be. I have as many rough days as great ones, but I try my best to be thankful for them all.
While I find some interest and satisfaction and even elements of importance in reflection… I know it cannot become stuck lamenting over “should haves” or “could haves”. Each day is new and I have something new to learn. I am no longer that person, yet that person is very much a part of me. Just as our childhoods or pasts are no longer “us” and doesn’t need to “define”/confine us.. they are still very much a PART of us.I may run back into people from my past, I am sure I remember things “differently”.. it is interesting to reflect- but know that I am a new person with new things about me to get to know. That’s the relationship I have with myself today because I’ve been blessed to have it… one choice at a time.
It truly is a “one day at a time” focus that helps maintain neutrality and keeps us from getting stuck in the past or becoming too afraid of the future.
Today I am even more aware of the importance of not going back into the darkness of silence. I do not need to boast or brag or have an egotistical type of pride. (One that is based on thinking it is ALL my doing.) I know this is not the full truth. YES, it is MY choice, and for that I AM proud. Yet I realize to have the opportunity, to be open, and be shown those windows to my soul, is a divine blessing from somewhere greater than me.
For this sharing and oneness of sacred space, I am forever humbled and grateful as my soul/true self connects with my creator and the Divine.
Thank you for another year, another moment in time…
Much love and blessings and thanks for sharing this special time with me. ❤